My blog has now moved to WordPress

I have now moved to the dark side and gone over to WordPress. The entire archive and new posts can now be found here:  http://mrkelly2u.wordpress.com

Thanks for the support and please get in touch, follow or subscribe to the new blog.

Many thanks,

Wayne.

Kelly's Eye.

TV to die for. If 'Boredom' was a disease.

BAD TV. We've all been there . . .

Ok, you've just watched the first segment of a TV programme about 'Dave' - a man with an irrational fear of pastry who has just returned to his job at the local cake factory after a 3 year break. He is traumatised, but takes his first real step to recovery when he handles a box of jam tarts. The big question is: How will he cope when he is asked to put the filling in to the short crust apple pies? Join us after the break to find out - when we'll also see how Dave takes his wife's ultimatum (cut to shot of Dave's wife):

     "You either eat my steak and kidney pie or we're finished, Dave!"

Oh, the excitement.

I'm tired and it's a slow TV night, so for some reason that currently escapes me, I make myself a cup of tea and return to await the fate of Dave and his pastry paranoia. 

Cue irritating musical sting, followed by a patronising voiceover:

     "Before the break we met Dave, a self confessed scaredy-cat when it comes to pastry based products. He's been fighting his phobia for over 3 years now, following his horrific industrial accident involving a giant mixing bowl. The incident left him with terrible mental scars and quite a nasty flour intolerance."

We see a montage of shots that we just watched less than 10 minutes ago. Voiceover lady continues, unaware of my growing annoyance:

   "We saw how the phobia had changed his home life with his wife Mandy and how he is now bravely fighting back by returning to his job at the local cake factory. Dave managed to successfully pack a box of jam tarts, but how will he cope with his next challenge?"

The logical part of my brain tells me that this recap is predominantly for those people who missed the first segment of the programme. It gives the late comers a chance to catch-up and hopefully increase the viewing figures.

However, another part of my brain says 'Oh, you missed the beginning of the show? Tough! Get over it. Catch the repeat if you're that perturbed or, better still, use your mind and intellect to work out what's happened and fill in the gaps yourself'! 

As if this wasn't bad enough, we get exactly the same sequence of events at the beginning of the next segment, and the one after that until the end of the show. Only each 'recap' is longer than the previous update as the producers seem to feel the need to recap everything that has gone before. So in the end you have a programme that is scheduled for an hour. Of that hour there are approximately 15 minutes worth of commercials, taking the content down to 45 minutes. Then you have to factor in at least 25 minutes of recap footage, for those of us with early onset of dementia. Making the content of a supposedly 1 hour show, a mere 20 minutes. And this is when looking at UK TV - I wouldn't even want to do the math for a US show.

Speaking of US shows, I have now had to give up on 'Kitchen Nightmares USA'. I was a big fan of the UK version of Ramsay's culinary swear fest, but the US version is so dumbed down, I'd get more mental stimulus watching my underwear go round in the washing machine for an hour. Not only does it suffer from the 'recap to infinity' syndrome, it also has a bad case of 'over dramatisation-itis'. 

  "There is full scale panic in the kitchen as Chef Ramsay discovers that one of the chefs has over seasoned the pork," growls Hollywood Voiceover man.

  "Hmm, there's a bit too much salt in this mate," Ramsay calmly states.

   "Oh. Ok." replies the chef.

My God, the drama, the tension. It's almost unbearable. Hollywood Voiceover man then precedes to give a brief outline of the above conversation (that we have watched literally seconds before). We are also treated to a slow motion replay of the salt being poured into a saucepan and Ramsay tasting the dish. After a few minutes of this, I almost long for the post commercial recaps we get on some trashy UK programmes.

This always happens to me when I decide to stray away from tried and trusted providers of HBO and The BBC. Thankfully both of these are still making great TV. From HBO's The Wire (only just being shown on British terrestrial TV this week) to The BBC's Rome (actually BBC/HBO co-production) and dozens of others in between, they really are miles ahead of the competition. In fact, I will be writing a future post going in to more detail about what makes their programming stand out.

But for now I will try to wipe my mind of the 'infinity recap' and the mind numbingly banal subjects of most of our TV schedules these days, by digging out an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. 40 minutes of unpredictable BS-free comedy.

Just to recap . . . at the beginning of the blog we discovered how the author was annoyed with inane, repetitive recaps of events he'd only just witnessed. We then went on to look at . . . . . ok, let me just file that joke away in the file marked 'Labouring A Point'.

As usual, I would love to hear your feedback, along with suggestions for future rants and musings. Please Retweet, follow and recommend to your heart's content.

Learn to play an instrument - if I can ANYONE can!

Musical Myth Number 1: Being able to play an instrument is a unique, innate skill. You either have it, or you don't.

I have to admit, this was a view I was forced to agree with during my formative years. This was partly due to the fact that many relatives would constantly remind me of this fact anytime I even thought about going near an instrument and also my early attempts didn't really help to dispell the myth.

My first brush with musical destiny came in the form of that incredibly versatile 'instrument' - the Triangle. Hey - don't mock. Those things are more difficult to master than you think. It was always going to be an ambitious undertaking - a primary school production of Tchaikovsky's 'Nutcracker Suite'. I was a precocious 7 year old with something to prove and a will to succeed. 'Better to burn out than fade away' I remember thinking, as I anxiously waited for my single note at the crescendo of the first movement. My eyes grew wide with expectancy and my little 7 year old heart quickened slightly as I heard the music rising majestically to it's conclusion. Wait for it . . . wait for it . . . and . . . now!

However, the only sound I created in that performance was a dull thud, followed by a sharp intake of breath, as I missed the triangle and clobbered my thumb with the beater. My teacher was frantically 'stage whispering' for me to try again, but to no avail. My remaining energy was spent on holding back my tears of shame and embarassment.

"Don't worry," said my Dad, "you tried your best. Some people just aren't musical."

Two years on and you find me now as a slightly over confident nine year old. My self belief had certainly taken a battering from the 'Triangle Incident' (as it became known), but I still loved music and felt that it was only a matter of time before my virtuosity would make itself apparent. Finally it would appear that the time was at hand, when our teacher produced a small corduroy bag that contained a musical instrument that we could all learn. I could barely contain my excitement as she theatrically pulled out . . . the Recorder! Wow! 'What is it?' I thought. I just knew it was going to be my passport to musical greatness and couldn't wait to hand over my mum's hard cash for that little baby. I can still remember my disappointment when I finally got hold of one, along with the book of tunes that we could learn.

"Er, Miss? There seems to be a printing error in my music book. It only seems to contain variations of the same 3 pieces of music - London's Burning, Frere Jacques and Three Blind Mice."

Come on. When was a rendition of London's Burning ever going to stoke the fires of musical creativity (no pun intended)?

"Yes, but we can all do different parts and do a 'round'!" the teacher cried enthusiastically.

Grow up.

It has to be said, I have since realised the Recorder does hold a certain charm - The Beatles, Fool On The Hill anyone? But, such things were a far from my mind as my frustration and lack of patience lead to me 'accidentally' losing the instrument a few months after starting my lessons.

"Well, you're not having another one if you don't find it," warned my mum.

Oh well. Never mind.

Which leads us to what, for many years, I considered to be my 'strike 3'. I was progressing gently from a Triangle to the Recorder to . . .the Violin - of course! It was the next logical choice. Everybody knows the old 'Triangle-Recorder-Violin' method. And I just knew that it would be easy. It was just a little wooden thing with 4 strings that you played with an old piece of horse hair - how hard could it be?!

Fortunately, the school had agreed to lend pupils an instrument to get them started and see how we would get on with it. We got to take our own violins home the night before our first lesson. I couldn't wait to get it out of the box and start playing. I lasted about 15 minutes before the cat had a seizure and my parents began inadvertently teaching me some new swear words. I wasn't perturbed though. I knew I'd be fine after my first lesson. Just needed to know 'what the notes were'.

With hindsight I think the violin teacher probably recognized it was a mistake to try to teach eight 10 year old boys at the same time. We didn't even make it to the end of the first half an hour lesson before he 'asked us to leave'. The problem arose even before we had put the bow to the strings. The teacher would start at one end of the line correcting our posture and instrument position and no sooner had he moved to the next pupil, the previous kid would slightly lower his elbow or arch his back slightly. After about 20 minutes he was a nervous wreck, running up and down the line moving an arm here or adjusting a hunched shoulder there. It looked like some strange Japanese game show. Obviously we found this completely hilarious and could not contain our amusement, meaning we moved out of position even more. We had our instruments immediately confiscated and were told to get out before we'd even had a chance to play a note.

Typical state school. They give up on you so easily.

After some consideration I was forced to admit, it had to be true: You can either do it or you can't. So although I toyed with playing keyboard when I was 12 (I got one for Christmas and spent the next few weeks trying out all the different sounds and pretending to play along with the demo track) I pretty much ditched the idea of ever being able to play an instrument.

I joined a band as a singer when I was 16 and although I was mercilessly teased for not being able to play an instrument I still didn't have the courage to try to learn to play anything. I found this really frustrating as even before I played an instrument I was always keen to write song melodies and lyrics - but you try communicating with a guitarist when you don't even know what a chord is. Most of them will just mock you and then play a Blues lick really loud just to compound your ineptitude.

That was until a few years later, I met my friend and co song writer, George. Here was a guy that was a great player, but had loads of patience and actively encouraged me to suggest where the melody should go. After a while of playing and writing together, he finally convinced me to pick up the guitar and have a go myself. His view was, and still is, if you are prepared to put enough time and enthusiasm in to it, then anyone can learn. So I got my first guitar, George showed me some stuff and I started to learn simple songs. I cannot tell you the thrill I got when I first managed to play Peggy Sue. Not long after that I started writing my first simple songs and from then on I fell in love with the guitar.

That was now over ten years ago, and I have to admit my playing ability did pretty much peak quite a few years ago. I got to a level where I could play most simple songs and write my own little tunes and pretty much left it at that. Which is fine. Some people want to be able to play to the level of Rock God. Some, like me, just want to play, sing and write stuff. I let George do all the complicated stuff.

So don't let your doubts, or those of other people, dissuade you from having a go. Learning to play an instrument is one of the best things you can do. It's great for improving mental focus and dexterity not to mention being great fun. If I can do it, with my terrible musical history, then anyone can. I would love to hear how you get on.

The BBC have a site which is a great place for info on how to get started and why it's a good idea. http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/playitagain/

If you are thinking about guitar lessons and are local to Leicestershire in the UK, I wholeheartedly suggest checking out the aforementioned George's site at:
http://www.gomusicservices.co.uk

Other interesting music/composing related articles can be found at Heather Fenoughty's blog:
http://www.heather-fenoughty.com/blog/

Enjoy.


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